my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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