I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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