he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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