I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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