well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
