boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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