It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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