I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
