I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize