What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
