We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
