your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can text with my tongue
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
