it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
