you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
