Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how does that bad decision feel?
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