I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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