How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
