I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
