Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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