She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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