apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
