I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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