she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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