There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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