my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
