I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
