we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize