Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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