my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
