Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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