Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize