I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
