I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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