Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
