You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
