I didn't shave. On purpose
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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