hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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