So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
