New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
