nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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