Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
