Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
