the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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