I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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