I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize