Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
