Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
