Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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