I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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