I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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