I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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