so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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