I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
