And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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