Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
