I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize