my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
