when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
