I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You are a genius and a whore.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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